Gender

AFAB and Non-Binary

/ Gracetopher Kirk / Leave a comment

Here’s What That Means

First it’s important to realize one key point that underlies all these complicated terms you might find us “special snowflake” millennials using: Biological Sex =/= Gender. Biological sex, as implied by the term, is tied to a person’s biology, and is thought about in two basic ways: on the chromosomal level of XX vs XY and on the anatomical level where a determination is made based on a person’s genitals. The distinction between chromosomes and anatomy is important because as science has progressed, we’ve come to realize that having two X chromosomes does not necessarily mean that a baby will be born with a vagina, and having XY chromosomes does not necessarily mean that a baby will be born with a penis. As the World Health Organization phrases it, “there is a range of chromosome complements, hormone balances, and phenotypic variations that determine sex”. Determination vs. Differentiation.

Instead of speaking of biological sex, many trans and nonbinary people (myself included) feel that it is more accurate to speak of assigned sex. In terms of gender, I’m neither a man nor a woman, but if it’s necessary to discuss biology, the appropriate term for me is AFAB, which stands for Assigned Female At Birth. The binary opposite to this is of course AMAB, meaning Assigned Male At Birth.

The assignment at birth is of course tied to genitalia, but this does not result in the clear binary divisions that people seem to crave so much. It’s estimated that as many as 1 in 100 Americans are Intersex. This happens when either the chromosomes arrange themselves someway other than XX vs XY, when a newborn’s genitalia are ambiguous, when genitalia appear nonambiguous but don’t match the hormones released during puberty, when both male and female biology appear in some way, etc.

What is Non-Binary?

/ Gracetopher Kirk / Leave a comment

Lol, what is gender?

If your answer is any form of male/female, man/woman, girl/boy etc, I can’t answer the original question without taking a step further back to discuss what gender is at all.

I’ve employed the help of every millenial’s favorite science teacher: Bill Nye the Science Guy. If you haven’t yet, I suggest you take a moment to watch his new Netflix Show Bill Nye Saves the World. The show in general is interesting and informative, but please watch Season one episode nine in particular. As somebody who identifies as a nonbinary dyke, this show was incredibly validating for me, and can help explain what I’m talking about here as I deconstruct everything you were ever taught about Gender.

Bill Nye 1.9.jpg

In Bill Nye Saves the World 1.9, Bill Nye uses his “smoking hot abacus of sex” to break down these complex and interrelated aspects of identity into four categories: Sex, Gender, Attraction, and Expression. To understand what I say when I call myself a nonbinary dyke, I find it convenient to use this abacus of sex as a starting point.

The short version is this: sex and gender are different. Sex itself is less binary than we like to think due to the realities of Intersex people, and gender is so much more complex because it’s about the sociological relationships between people and the world around them. The gender binary is what we call the assumption that there are only two options, but those of us who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, etc, reject this binary that society has tried to trap us in.

I am The Gracetopher, my preferred pronouns are they/them, and when it comes to the topic of gender, you can your boots you haven’t heard the last from me yet.

 

Dysphoria

/ Gracetopher Kirk / 2 Comments

I never wanted to be a woman anyways, it’s just what people told me I was. I didn’t necessarily want to be a man, but I was told I only had the two options, so I thought about it sometimes.

Then I was raped. And suddenly I wished so hard that I had been born with a penis. Everything else about male priviledge I’d watched and wished but simply shrugged my shoulders and continued on, but rape is something very different.

Men are raped too you know. Having a penis does not grant you absolute safety.

I’d always been told that certain things were more dangerous for me because of the fact that I was a woman though. So I wanted to throw out my womanhood altogether. Or at the very least, I wished I was less visibly a woman.

I started wearing tighter bras and looser shirts, bulkier sweatshirts. Fewer skirts, more jeans. I feared my femininity.

I still do.

I am still feminine though. I still present in a way that is coded as feminine in our society. I still think about chopping my breasts off, but now we’re finally back to the original reason: breasts are just really freaking inconvenient man. I’ve said for years, breasts are like curly hair: super attractive on other people, but I hate the work and pain required to have them myself. I didn’t choose this, can I please get rid of it now?

I am not a man, and only trauma ever made me desire to be one in any way. I am not a woman though, and that would be true with or without the trauma. In fact, presenting as female feels almost radical given my nonbinary gender. Of course, it also makes it more difficult to explain my gender to the cis-het crowd.

Of course I couldn’t choose something simple and easy.

Good Girl/Bad Girl

/ Gracetopher Kirk / Leave a comment

I’m not a girl. But what do you see when you look at me? A girl.

I Am Not What I Seem

I am not constrained by your narrative, have never been. I tried to fit it though. Tried hard and long and drove myself into the ground over it. I am not a good girl, but I tried to be. I am not a girl, but I’ve let you assume that in the hopes you’d simply let me be.

A Good Girl

Gets good grades, is respectful, is quiet, reads her bible and goes to church on Sundays. She wears dresses and bows in her hair, and she’s pretty, but never slutty. She tries, but not too hard. She gives the boys no reason to harass her (but someone always finds a way anyway).

A Bad Girl

Is the one the boys harass of course. Because her skirt is too short and her makeup too thick. She’s tried too hard, or not enough. She’s loud and draws attention to herself. She enjoys the attention of course, and even worse, she enjoys the sex. She must be punished because otherwise she might topple the systems we’ve built to maintain our dominant narratives.

Binaries are Fake

I’m not a good girl. I’m not a bad girl. I’m not a girl. I’m not a woman, and I’m sure as hell not a man. I am Gracetopher.