Once upon a time I went to Whole Foods (don’t worry, I wasn’t buying anything, just giving someone a ride). After browsing the aisles of overpriced foods and receiving an almost shocking level of help from the lady behind the cheese counter (apparently they let you leave your post there if you’re showing a customer where something is), we were ready to leave with our dairy-free dairy products (yeah, it sounds a little oxymoronic to me too, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do when you’ve got allergies). But that’s when it happened…

I made eye contact with this gorgeous hippy girl; dark brown hair, the thick rimmed glasses so popular around Portland… Hippies are hard to pin down sometimes, so I thought for half a moment that I had a chance! And then her eyes kept moving. And didn’t come back.

“Well she’s obviously straight” I said to my friend. “I was making eyes at her! And she didn’t even give me a second glance.” Because really, who wouldn’t be into me? I was wearing my bike shorts and everything, so I had plenty of muscles to show off. And obviously the only women who can resist my muscles are the straight ones.