My father warned me against the bogeyman, told stories about the bogeyman, used the bogeyman to scare me into doing my chores or homework or leaving the park when it was time to go. My father never told me what a bogeyman was, what it looked like, what it would do to me, I just knew that a bogeyman was some kind of monster.

Everyday Monsters

Most sexual assault victims know their abusers. Many must continue to interact with the one who violated them. Calling rapists monsters does nothing to help these survivors.

Not Monstrous Enough

It’s difficult to own your experience as the assault that it was if you’re used to hearing about monsters and bogeymen. Many stories focus on the perpetrator; how many times have you heard about how good a man he really was? About his promising future as a football star? About the high quality entertainment he produced?

I Fear

Speaking about my bogeyman. I fear invoking him. Because I truly have relegated him to a bogeyman. He doesn’t live in my city, I’ve long since forgotten his name, and his only place within my life and my story is as a monstrous bogeyman who emerged from the shadows just long enough to shatter what was left of my mental health. I fear sharing my story could leave other survivors feeling as if their story is worth less. I fear enforcing a cultural narrative that loves to tell stories of nameless bogeymen attacking young innocent and conventionally cute people who inhabit bodies we’ve encoded as feminine.

There are no Bogeymen

Young children are fed stories of clear-cut good and evil, and we act like young children when we continue to rely on these same categories. Hitler was not a monster, but a man. Rapists are not monsters, but men and women who value their own sexual gratification over the agency and health of their fellow human beings. (Because yes, women can be rapists too, and men can be rape victims).

The bogeyman is dangerous only in the stories we tell about him. The bogeyman is dangerous only because his stories shield the real evildoers from any need to examine their own actions.