And Other Horror Stories

Rarely does a man make the conscious choice to sexually assault a woman. He simply doesn’t realize what the effect of his actions really is.

My Story

(Friendly Reminder: I’m telling this so that I don’t explode, NOT for anybody else)

I said no. Multiple times. I pulled my shorts back up and tried to leave. But I didn’t fight and scratch and kick though like I’d always imagined I would in such a situation, so was it really rape? I hadn’t tried hard enough to get away, and hey, I’m human, I enjoy sex. I even enjoyed a minute or two of the physical sensations that day, so obviously it couldn’t have been rape right?

It took me three months to tell anybody anything about that day. It took six months before I used the word rape.

Fuck You Christianity

I was supposed to wait until marriage you see. The only times it was semi-half-ok to have sex before marriage was this narrative of “we just got carried away.” Sometimes you do get a bit carried away when you’re a teenage kid with your first significant other, and if my first girlfriend had been my first girlfriend in fact and not just a girl I went on a few dates with and experimented with just enough to realize I was definitely super into girls (hello boobs wow amazing), then it would have only taken a week or two more before we’d gotten carried away.

The thing about “getting carried away,” is that it doesn’t allow for affirmative consent. I was raised to view all sex as evil unless holy matrimony had yoked me to some equal oxen or whatever biblical bullshit words you want to pull out of your ass about all this. I’d had sex with one person possessing a penis and one person possessing a set of tits, and in both cases I wanted it, but couldn’t allow myself to consciously decide because then I would be consciously sinning.

Then when Mr. Boogeyman shows up, when I say no and try to get away, I can’t help but compare it to those other times. Maybe I did want it, I just couldn’t say it because I didn’t want to be a bad girl. Maybe I was a bad girl, after all, would a good girl have enjoyed it?